I’ve been thinking this a while, and I’m not sure how to approach it beyond just outright asking. It’s not a delicate question so much as a fascinating one. To me, anyway. I’ve read about things like this before and I never thought it would happen to me.
Guess the first thing to say is what it is I’ve read about.
I don’t even remember what magazine it was in, something silly like Cosmopolitan, years ago now when I used to actually buy the thing (and be able to afford it). It was a small article about someone who claimed that every man she ever dated would change for the better when they broke up with her. That… came out wrong. Basically what she meant was she felt like she had groomed those men into the perfect men. They had manners, they were kind and generous, funny and dressed well, because she’d made the effort to help them do so. And she was saying how every relationship the men had after they had broken up with her (most of the breakups were friendly with no animosity from either party, by the way) had turned out to be a fruitful one, one man got married to that woman, the others had kids or just very happy long-term relationships. She ended the article by hoping she would stop being the in-between person and meet someone who loved her and who she could have a happy ending with.
My situation, I feel, is somewhat similar. I’ve had it happen a few times to me, and I will not name names here, but if those people were to read the entry they would know who they were. In case they do read the entry, I am not trying to demean you or make you out to be the bad guy. You’re not. This is just how I feel and since I’m not naming names, no one will know who you are anyway. Feel free, however, to comment – anonymously, if you must – and tell me what you think if you recognize yourselves in the entry.
Basically… I feel as though I am the in-between person for productive people. Not to say they weren’t productive before, but there are certain things that I would have suggested when we had been friends that these people brushed off as silly, or pointless, or useless, and later, when we stopped being as close or lost touch completely, would take up or use and enjoy. As I said, I will bring about examples, because otherwise it’s just me ranting and getting upset. And I am upset, I won’t lie, certain things that the people have gone on to do now were things that I truly believed from the heart they would have liked, or benefited from, and when they brushed me off it hurt. And it hurt so much more when later I learned they had taken my advice and my suggestions had turned out as I had told them they would: well.
Person 1 was a while ago. Say two years now. They were shy and quiet and very talented in a certain area, which I encouraged them to explore and they did. But there were things they didn’t do that I thought they should have. For instance, they decided not to do higher education, didn’t want to get a cellphone even though it would have eased their communication with friends, family, me… they didn’t want to make the effort to get a job or make friends in their neighbourhood, and I kept encouraging them to try. Every day. Eventually, Person 1 and I grew apart, it happens. We never fought, there was no big blow up, we just stopped talking and never picked up again.
But what hurt was that they now have a cellphone, and not just any cellphone but an iPhone, which they claimed they would never get since ‘a phone should just be for ease of communication and not so fancy’. They went to college, or a technical institute to hone their skills. Which is great, but they claimed for so long that they didn’t want to that it was a complete punch in the gut when they did go. They got a job, they started actually planning things instead of imagining them going well just on a whim. They made friends close to home, went out more, had fun… and they did it after me.
Person 2 was a little more recent, and the person I think is more likely to read this entry than person 1 is. This person and I agreed on a lot more things than Person 1 and I did, we got along well, we shared a sense of humor. Still do, really, we just don’t talk as much anymore. The thing we disagreed on was the idea of watching television or films in general, and going out. I suggested, since one of this person’s passions was acting, that they watch more films, get inspired, play out scenes. I would only suggest movies that I knew they would enjoy, and while, yes, I pushed a few, the rest I left alone, and waited. Unlike with Person 1, Person 2 and I did have a falling out. It was due to a huge collection of factors that I won’t get into, but we didn’t talk for a while, and they were angry at me and I at them.
But of course as soon as we weren’t as close, Person 2 started watching films. And television shows. And what hurt the most was that they were the exact ones I had recommended, and told them they would love. And they had watched them, and enjoyed them with someone else. They also became less shy about their acting, going on more projects, taking part in film sets, wanting to go oversees to study acting after their degree…
And don’t get me wrong, I am happy for them, for all the people who have moved on from me and gone away doing things I had told them would be good for them. I am jealous, sure, but I’m happy that they finally listened and chose to try something and found it to be good for them. But I just want to know… why me? Why did it have to be me? Why couldn’t they have moved on on their own, kept me in the loop, kept me as a friend? Why did my leaving have to be a catalyst for their good fortune? Am I bad luck? Am I just the person that absorbs their procrastination and when they leave it allows them to go on with their lives and DO something with them?
As I said, I won’t lie, it really truly upsets me! It hurts that the person I suggested a job to brushed me off and then went and got one when we no longer spoke. It really hurts that the person I suggested those films to refused to watch them with me and enjoyed them greatly with a mutual friend of ours. It really, really hurts.
And it gets me thinking, when will I find someone like that for me? When will I be able to do something that makes me happy? Because recently life has become really, really shit. It has become almost painfully difficult and I hate it. I hate the person I am in it, and as much as I want to change I am stuck in a place where I just can’t. I have no means to. I can’t change or quit my job because I have nothing else to fall back on. I got called by the student services of this country the other day telling me I had some allowance repayments due and asking if I would be able to pay them back. They put me through the student hardship questionnaire and at the end of it the lady on the other end of the phone asked me if someone was helping me with food and fuel because she couldn’t fathom how I was making ends meet, and I’m not. I’m struggling and I need help.
-sighs- but… enough about that. The entry’s over. Not much more to say. I guess the point that I was trying to convey was that I feel like I am a road marker at a crossroads for a lot of people, and I wish I wasn’t. I wish I meant more to people than that. And I wish I could find someone who could help me move on in my own life and my own choices, and that I wouldn’t have to sacrifice them and leave them behind to move on.
Hmm… what else. Beyond the fact that I am struggling, I am trying to get out of that pit. I’ve started freelancing on a site called Elance. So far, I’ve been hired as a transcriber for an international online company. It’s hard work, and I’m scared as hell that I will screw it up, but it’s something. If anyone has any suggestions, please, let me know how else I can make more money. It’s gotten to the point where it’s to make up rent, not for personal spending.
I’ve also finally opened up an AO3 account, for all my writing. I won’t link it on here because I don’t want some people to get their hands on it. A lot of my fic is on there and a lot of it is slash, and as much as I respect choice and opinion I do not want people demeaning my work when it means so much to me. If you want the link, ask for it, and I will consider giving it to you.
Other than that.. that’s me for the month of March. Till next week then, lovelies.